Anonymous asked: How to be subconsciously healthy and do constructive consensual psychological BDSM? How can these things be not conflicted with your core values? What is the psychology behind BDSM and I mean mostly psychological?
There hasn’t been enough serious psychological research about BDSM, much less specifically for those who identify as spankophiles. So I can’t really answer that question until then. However, it is definitely not caused by trauma, it’s completely natural, and a lot of people, even if they don’t admit to it, fantasize in some way that could be considered under the BDSM umbrella.
When it comes to being healthy and engaging in consensual BDSM, you have to make sure you trust the person you’re with, set up rules, have a safeword, make sure to communicate, and only go as far as you’re comfortable.
This doesn’t conflict with my values because I believe that everyone has the right as an self-respecting individual not to repress their sexual desires (thus repressing themselves) and that we all should fully explore them no matter how “weird” they may seem to the mainstream.
First of all, I just want to apologize for not having posted in months. I’ve been busy. But here goes.
I recently met a girl in a bar, hit it off with her and we’ve been seeing each other for about a month now. However, I do know that she would be weirded out if I talked to her about being into spanking. The second time we went out together we ended up at this lesbian bar with a themed SM night. I actually didn’t know they were doing that—it was just a bar I’d been going to for a while, and we went for the cheap drinks. Then we noticed that there were to be bondage and whipping demonstrations on the little makeshift stage at the back of the bar. She instantly started making comments about how “weird” it all was and that we wasn’t a “violent” person. It was awkward for me, because I would be lying if I agreed with her, so I just laughed and teased her and smiled and eventually said “it isn’t necessary to judge them,” to which she gave me a surprised look, but was also caught off guard by herself, realizing her own judgment and said “I’m not judging…it’s just not for me…” Pause. ”Why did you say that?” As if she was expecting me to say that I was into that kind of stuff. I just laughed and said “Nothing.” We dropped the subject for a while and went to another bar.
At this new bar, she managed to bring up the subject again. Same old comments—it’s weird, “I was surprised,” ”I wasn’t expecting that.” What kept bothering me was how big of a deal she was making about something that didn’t even concern her… Eventually I felt myself getting angry and had to say something or else I would be acting the role of someone else. So I said, “The thing is, I’m just very interested in sexuality, and I actually wrote a paper last semester on S/M and it’s ability to break the queer community out of sexual “normality” as defined by heterosexual relations, but also it’s restrictions and ability to reconstruct certain gender roles.” She instantly responded “If you want someone like that, I’m sorry but it’s not me.” This was the most awkward part, because what am I going to do, tell her my deepest sexual desires and the fact that I’m not into all of S/M, just one specific part of it and the fact that I don’t absolutely need her to be that for me right in the middle of a crowded bar in public? No. So I just said, “No, I don’t need someone like that, it’s just interesting from a intellectual point of view.” Which wasn’t a full lie. Wasn’t the full truth either, but I did what I could.
Then, when we were back at my place, in my bed, she brought it up AGAIN. I just couldn’t even respond at this point. Why was she so bothered by it?
I don’t think this relationship is going to last very long, for other reasons, so I don’t feel it’s necessary to come clean about this side of my sexuality to this girl. It’s just not worth it, and I know she wouldn’t be okay with it. So I’m just going to have a good time and whatever. This kind of stuff just gets frustrating. And awkward. And it’s really hard to be 100% yourself.
Anyone else had a similar experience?
Hi, I live in an arab muslim country UAE, people here have freak thoughts towards sadism and masochism… they believe we are sick or something, how do u think its possible to know if a friend is a sadist? and how can i convince her to dominate me? can you please provide some advise im really desperate…
Hi, I’m really sorry to hear that it’s so hard for you where you live. It honestly isn’t all that much better here in the US for the most part, but there are people like you out there, I’m sure even in your own country, though they are probably in hiding, as I assume you might be. There is no surefire way of knowing if someone is into S/M without asking them or just getting into a situation where it comes up, but I think the internet is a pretty decent route of finding people like yourself. Just be wary of people who might not be who they say they are or could possibly take advantage of you in some way. If you have any more questions please don’t hesitate to ask. I know what it feels like to feel alone about this.
Anonymous asked: I'm into spanking but I'm also asexual. Spanking and sex don't go hand in hand for me... I don't know if that makes sense. How is that accepted by spankos?
Everyone’s different. I think within the spanko community people recognize that not everyone who is into spanking necessarily sees it as a sexual thing. I get turned on by just thinking about it personally, but some people just have the need or interest in it without it being tied to sex in that way.
Hey guys! I hope you can forgive me for not posting in several months (someone’s been bad ;-)). I’ve just been super busy lately. Summer internship, work, applying for a visa to study abroad next year, yada yada yada. Anyway, this summer has proved to be quite incredible.
Not only have I been keeping busy doing what I love, theatre, (I’m interning with a theatre company over the summer), but I’ve met some really awesome people in the process, who just happen to enjoy spankings as much as I do. Who woulda thought?
It’s funny how just becoming confident and comfortable in your own sexual desires can seem to bring this stuff into your life so quickly. I was so closed off and scared of people’s reactions to what I really desired about two years ago, and now, I just feel like, SO many people like it too, I don’t even really have to ask anymore… Maybe I’m just lucky or something, but I really think it just has to do with that level of self-confidence that people pick up on.
I’ve also started to notice just how playful and silly being a kinky person can be. There is so much imagination and creativity that goes into it, particularly when it comes to any kind of role-play, or even without. Perhaps my love of the theatre and this part of my sexuality are very much tied. Who knows. All I know is I’m having a great time. Life is good.
Thank you so those of you who have agreed to be interviewed for my play about kinky people! I would really like it if you have any friends (online or elsewhere) who represent another facet of the BDSM community who would like to contribute their experiences. I love hearing about spankos, the stories I’ve heard about our strength and struggles are incredibly inspiring, but I’d like to open up the floor to a wider variety of people as well. Please send me a message either just saying you are interested, or with your email so I can send you the questions on an easier forum than tumblr. Also if you have any questons about my goals for this project, ask away. Keep being amazing!
Anonymous asked: I posted the last comment, I would love to get your email to chat. i really don't have any females spanko friends to chat with, just allot of friendzoned suitors.
If you send me another message not as anonymous, I can answer privately with my email. I’d rather not give it out for everyone to see though :-). Thanks!